


Quoth the Raven, Nevermore

by sweety7852000



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, College AU, F/F, Octaven
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-06-09
Updated: 2016-02-03
Packaged: 2018-04-03 16:29:49
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 15,510
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4107519
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sweety7852000/pseuds/sweety7852000
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I honest to god couldn't think of a name for this fic, so I googled Raven Puns. Raven would be proud. Maybe a little pissed. Whatever. This is an Octaven college AU.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I'm trying to do this thing some justice. If you guys have feedback that would be amazing. Feel free to comment what you think, or you know, anything really.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! I'm going back and changing this story so it's no longer in the First Person POV. I'm also combining some of the old chapters so that they're not as short. PLEASE don't freak out. Once I'm done editing the old work, you'll have a new chapter. So, without further ado, here's the first few chapters post editing.

**_1.5 years ago_ **

_“Come on guys! It’s tradition! We’ve gotten ice cream every single last day of school since we were in first grade!” Clarke bellowed._

_“Yeah, but it’s pouring down rain outside. Can’t we just do it tomorrow? What’s one day going to hurt?” Raven argued._

_“Come on Rae, it’s just a little rain.” Octavia pleaded._

_“Just a little rain? We’ve gotten like 3 inches of rain in the last hour, that’s not a little rain. Roads are flooding, buildings are burning, babies are crying!” Raven exaggerated._

_“Reyes, you’re the only baby that’s crying. We’ve done this the past 10 years, we have to go out for ice cream. It’s the end of junior year! We are officially seniors as of today. We need to CELEBRATE!” Clarke said practically bouncing in place. “Please.” She begged pouting her lower lip out, and doing her best puppy dog eyes._

_“Oh for cripes sakes! Fine, whatever, let’s go. I swear though, if you guys start complaining because you get wet or something…” She trailed off, letting their imaginations take over what she would do to them._

_“Well, who the hell complains about being wet?” Octavia asked with a grin._

_“Ugh, get your mind out of the gutter, O.” Clarke said with an eye roll. Behind her back Octavia made an inappropriate hand gesture, which made Raven giggle. Before Clarke could say anything to either of them her father walked into the room._

_“Mind if I tag along? It’s been a tradition of mine for the last decade too.” Clarke’s dad asked._

_“Sure dad, will you pay?” Clarke asked with a smile that could put an angel to shame._

_“Of course, honey, it would be my pleasure.”_

_They got into Clarke’s car. Her dad taking the passenger seat with a comment about her needing driving time. “The only way to become an expert at driving is by a lot of practice.”_

_Raven hated riding in cars, for some reason they made her uneasy. She always focused on something for the duration of the ride. Today’s focus was on the raindrops racing down her window. She liked to cheer certain drops on and felt proud whenever it won the race. Currently she was finding patterns in the rain, picking out funny faces. They were about a mile from the Ice Cream Shoppe. Raven’s eyes focused on a face that looked like the “scream” face. Her eyes unfocused on everything, and being as lazy at she was, refused to refocus them, that is until something out her window caught her attention a minute later. When she refocused her eyes it was just in time to see the headlights headed straight for them. She didn’t have time to brace herself. “Shit.”_

**_Present day_ **

“Shit.” All the air felt like it was forced from Raven’s lungs. A sound that could be described as a squeak escaped her lips. She was scared and she didn’t know what was going on.

            “Rae, wake up.” Octavia murmured in her ear, shaking her gently. Her eyes opened to see their math professor looking at her with an annoyed expression.  She smiled weakly and jotted down the notes that were on the board. Math was one of the easiest subjects on the planet, so she wasn’t worried about missing the information. The only thing she was worried about was whether or not she had drool on her face or desk.

When class ended Raven put her stuff in her bag and stood up. She grumbled when her brace refused to bend with her knee. It was a constant reminder of how things can change in the blink of an eye. She shook her head trying to rid the nightmare from her thoughts while hitting the hinges of the brace with the side of her fist.

            “You had the nightmare again didn’t you?” Octavia asked gently.

            “How could you tell?”

            “Well, I’ve only heard you make that noise a few times in my life. The first time was the day of the accident.” She looked away from Raven and stared off into the distance. Her thoughts on that horrible day.

            “Ms. G looked pretty pissed.” Raven said, trying to pull her out of her thoughts. “It’s not like she really teaches anything anyway. She’s always too hungover from working at that stupid casino. You’d think someone her age would act a little more grown up.” She said, offering Octavia a change of subject. “Did you see that skirt she was wearing? I mean that slit basically went to her crotch, and I think someone should tell her it’s supposed to be on the side of her thigh, not between her legs.” She said making a gagging face. At that moment Raven stumbled over an uneven part on the sidewalk. Octavia reached out and grabbed her before she could face plant. “Thanks, O.”

            “That’s my job right? To make sure your clumsy ass doesn’t get hurt?”

            “I’m not clumsy! It’s this stupid brace.” Raven argued rolling her eyes.

            “Raven, you’ve been clumsy since the day you were born. You can’t use the brace as an excuse for everything.” Octavia said with a sigh.

            “Wanna bet?” Raven asked with faux offence.  She turned to the other girl and raised her eyebrow. “I will admit though it’s amazing for getting sympathy drinks. I mean, there’s nothing this brace can’t do. Except maybe bend when it’s supposed to.”

            “Obviously it can’t make you walk straight. I mean, do you mind? You keep running into me. I’d ask if you were drunk, but I know you’re not.”

            “You know me, can’t do anything straight.” Raven said raising her eyebrow and pursing her lips seductively at Octavia.

            This caused Octavia to slap her arm playfully. “Says the girl who’s been single since 9th grade. What was that boy’s name? Phineas? Fitzgerald?”

            “Finn.”

            “Whatever happened between you two anyway?” She asked curiously. “I mean, one day he was around, and the next he wasn’t. I don’t remember seeing him after that.”

            “Mental breakdown. His parents sent him off somewhere. I don’t remember where.”

            “Huh, the more you know.” She looked a little preoccupied.

            “What’s going on in that pretty little head of yours? You seem a little off, O.”

            “It’s nothing. Today just feels weird.”

            “Well, it’s Friday, which means home cooked food at Bell’s place tonight. We should go get ready.”

            “Yeah, about that…” She trailed off looking at the ground.

            “O, we’ve had dinner together every Friday night since like sophomore year of High School. Ever since Bellamy moved into that dinky little place he calls an apartment. If you’re thinking about cancelling, I think he’d be heartbroken.”

            “It’s not that, it’s just, well…”

            “Spit it out, Monkey.”

            “Clarke’s gonna be there.” She said looking at a crack in the sidewalk.

            “Oh. Maybe I should stay here then? I mean…” Raven sighed.

            “No, don’t even think that, like you said, Bell would be devastated if we didn’t go. We, as in, not just me. It’s a tradition.”

            “Yeah, but Clarke can’t even look at me. It’s been months since she’s spoken to me.”

            “You know that’s not your fault. Things have just been hard for her since the accident.” Octavia was looking at the other girl now.

            “Hard for _her?_ I’m the one who lost the use of my fucking leg. She got out of the car that day with barely a scratch on her!”

            “She lost her father that day, Raven. Plus, you know she feels like the accident was her fault. She can barely live with herself. Can you please just try to play nice tonight?” Octavia was close to begging.

            There was a long sigh. “Fine, okay, whatever, but if she tries to avoid looking at me I’m leaving.”

            Octavia wrapped her arms around the other girl, pulling her into a tight hug. “Thank you.”

They got to their dorm room and started getting ready for dinner with Bellamy. Raven had grease on her pants from working in her engineering classes earlier, so she took her brace and pants off. “How did Bell convince Clarke to come over anyway?” She asked turning towards Octavia.

            Octavia, who had been busy putting her books away with her back towards Raven, turned to answer and froze. “Could you maybe put some pants on before we continue this conversation?” She asked, licking her lips. Her eyes raked across the other girl’s body.

            “Octavia Blake, are you checking me out?” A huge smile broke out on Raven’s face. A warm feeling bloomed across her chest at the look that crossed Octavia’s face.  O started blushing furiously. “I mean, if you want to check me out, you’re more than welcome. I know I’m breath taking.”

            Octavia shook her head. “I was NOT checking you out, you loser. It’s just hard to concentrate when your arrogant roommate is half naked.”

            “O, you’ve known me since preschool. I’m half naked every chance I get. You were checking me out, and you were caught.”

            “Whatever you say, dork. Can you please put some pants on now? We’re going to be late.”

            “You never answered my question.” Raven said while pulling her pants on.

            “What was the question again?” She asked embarrassed.

            “How did Bellamy convince Clarke to come to dinner?”

            “Oh, well she obviously has a girlfriend and she wants Bell to meet her. I don’t think she realized what day it is.”

            “Are you talking about the fact that it’s Friday, or about the fact that today marks 18 months since the accident?” Raven asked looking down at the brace in her hands.

            “Both, I guess. Wait, today marks a year and a half since the accident?” She watched as Raven pulled the brace on, avoiding looking her in the eye.

            “Yeah. It doesn’t feel like it’s been so long, does it? So, we’re meeting her girlfriend?”

            “Yeah, now can we go before we miss the bus?” She asked, pulling Raven’s arm, dragging her out of their room.

            They got to Bell’s place before Clarke and her mysterious girlfriend. Bellamy was cooking dinner, while the girls stood in the kitchen with him.      

            “Seriously, Bell, this place is way too tiny. You should upgrade.” Octavia said hopping up to sit on the counter.

            “Does your ass really have to be on my counters?” He asked rolling his eyes at his sister.

            “Well, if you had a kitchen big enough for three people to actually stand in, it wouldn’t. Since that’s not the case, yes, my ass has to be on the counter.”

            A knock on the door had Octavia jumping back off the counter. “I’ll get it.” She said racing out of the room to open the front door. “Hey Clarke!” Came her excited voice from the small entry.

            “Octavia! I didn’t know you’d be here! This is Lexa, my girlfriend. Lexa, this is Octavia.”

            Their voices were coming closer. Bellamy watched as Raven shifted a little. It was obvious she was uncomfortable. Bellamy looked at her out of the corner of his eye. “Now or never, Raven. Take a deep breath, cause you’re going to need it.”

****


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am SO sorry it's taken this long to update. I haven't had internet for the better part of the last two weeks. I've also been procrastinating writing, because I want these updates to be so perfect. I hope you guys enjoy this update. Please let me know what you think!

**_1.5 years ago_ **

_Numb. That’s all she was. She couldn’t feel anything. She was neither hot nor cold. She couldn’t feel pain or pleasure. She wasn’t aware of her breathing or her heartbeat. Everything was black. It was quiet. Something was wrong, it shouldn’t be this quiet, should it? The girl tried to remember what she had been doing, but it was impossible. She couldn’t even remember her own name. Surely she had one? What kind of person didn’t have a name? What was going on?_

_Light. Too bright. It was brighter than the sun, pure white, instead of a warm yellow. It made her feel as light as a feather. Feeling. Something other than numbness. A part of her brain told her that she should be worried, this wasn’t right, but how could she know what was right or wrong? A figure walked through the light. It said nothing, but it reached out towards her. The girl started to walk to it, but something stopped her. She could hear a buzzing noise. She looked around, but saw nothing. She took another step forward. The buzzing got louder. It sounded like something. A word maybe? She shook her head. The sound had to be coming from inside her head. She took another step toward the figure. This time the word was clear, and loud. “RAVEN!”_

_Raven? Like the bird? The girl stopped dead in her tracks. Words had meaning, and this one was important. If only she could remember why. The lightness she had been feeling was fading. Everything was becoming heavy. She didn’t like it. “RAVEN! PLEASE!”_

_Cold. Why was she so cold? She wanted to feel numb again. “Dammit Raven, please.”_

_Wet. Everything was wet. Wet and cold. She was trying to remember what happened. Something was important. She just needed to remember what it was. Her name, maybe if she could remember what it was. “I swear if you die on me Raven, I’ll… I’ll… I’ll fucking kill you.”_

_“Octavia?” She could remember this girl, because Octavia was everything. Octavia Blake, her beautiful friend. She was in love with her, she remembered. Every memory she had involved Octavia. Octavia sounded scared right now. More scared than she had ever been. “Can I sleep a little longer, Monkey?”_

_“No, you cannot sleep. Wake up, please wake up. Raven, I need you.” Her voice sounded broken._

_Anything to make her happy. She was all that mattered. Raven could feel the light fading. She was cold, wet, and in pain. Headlights, she remembered, had been headed right for them. “Shit.”_

_Raven opened her eyes. Everything was blurry. Something warm and dark was running down her forehead and into her eyes. She moved a hand to wipe it away. Was that blood? Was she bleeding? They’d been hit. A car hit them, and Raven was bleeding._ **Octavia!** _Raven panicked. She had been talking. Raven looked around, and found that Octavia was still seated next to her. “Octavia, are you okay?”_

_“Yeah, I’m fine, a little sore, but fine.” She said relieved. “You were unconscious. I don’t think you were breathing. I thought I lost you. I can’t lose you.”_

_“I’m okay, my head hurts though.” Raven tried to move, but nothing happened. She looked down at her legs, willing them to move. Nothing. Instead she turned her torso towards Octavia, and immediately regretted it. Pain shot up her back, even more pain shot threw her abdomen. She lifted her shirt to take a look, and her eyes widened._

_“Raven, is that blood?” Octavia asked, trying to move closer._

_“I’m okay. How long was I unconscious?” Raven knew she wasn’t okay, there a piece of metal, probably from the car door, sticking through her. She couldn’t feel her legs, so it had to have hit her spine. Raven was screwed, but she couldn’t let Octavia know that. She needed her Monkey to stay calm. If Octavia started to freak out, so would Raven._

_“Less than a minute.”_

_“Clarke, are you okay?” Raven looked to the front seat. Clarke was slumped forward. She couldn’t see Jake, but there was a piece of steel that was going through his seat. “O, I need you to unbuckle your seatbelt. Check to see if Clarke is breathing.”_

_Octavia did as she was asked and moved forward to check Clarke. “She’s breathing, and her pulse is strong. I think the airbag knocked her out… Oh god. Jake, Jake please wake up! Raven, I think…”_

_“Octavia, look at me.”_

_O moved so that she was sitting in her seat again. Slowly she turned to look at her best friend. “Raven, I think Jake is dead.”_

_“I need you to stay calm okay? I can hear the sirens, help is on the way. I need you to stay with me. Stay calm. Don’t freak out. I need your breathing to stay regular, I can’t have everyone unconscious.”_

_The ambulance showed up less than two minutes later. The rain outside was still coming down in sheets. Medics were moving around, checking their vital signs. Clarke woke up and saw her father next to her. Her screams were earsplitting. The medics and firemen got them out of the vehicle. Raven was loaded onto a different ambulance than the others._

_The ride to the hospital was a blur for all of them. Raven’s head made everything fuzzy, she couldn’t concentrate. When she was unloaded from the ambulance, everything felt unreal. Clarke’s mother was one of the doctors waiting. “Raven?”_

_“Teenage female, approximately eighteen years old. Abdominal trauma, possible spinal injury. Also possible concussion. Drunk driver ran a red light. Two other teenaged females are on their way in. There was one adult male, DOA.” One of the medics spouted out the information._

_The look on Abby’s face was heartbreaking. Before Raven could say anything to Abby though she lost consciousness._

_Four months later_

_“Raven, do you want me to grab your bag?” Octavia asked, already reaching for it. She hated seeing her best friend struggling._

_“Octavia, I can get it myself. I’m crippled, not useless.” Raven growled out. She was hurt and irritated, and just wanted everyone to treat her like normal again. “Anyway, you have soccer practice. Go, I’ll be fine.”_

_“I can be a little late.” Octavia offered again. Coach would understand, either that or make her run a few extra laps, but she really didn’t mind._

_“O, you’re suffocating me. Go to practice.”_

_She sighed, but did as Raven said. She got three steps away before turning back around and walking to the other girl. She wrapped her arms around Raven in a hug that was too tight. “I love you.” She said kissing the side of her head._

_“You annoy me.” Raven said with as much affection as she could. “Please go to practice before you’re late.”_

_Octavia took off down the hallway, while Raven breathed a sigh of relief. School was physically exhausting and emotionally draining. Octavia wanted to carry all of Raven’s books for her, despite the fact that they only shared one class together. O always insisted that she could be late to her classes, but Raven knew her teachers were getting annoyed. Raven’s brace was annoying and it chaffed, but the girl was able to walk with it._

_Raven turned a corner and ran straight into someone. “I’m so sorry.” She said, before she realized who it was. “Clarke.”_

_“I’m sorry, I should have been looking where I was going.” Clarke’s eyes were looking at a spot above Raven’s head. “I, um, I’m running late. I should go.”_

_“Clarke, please wait.” Raven begged._

_“I wish I could, but I’m really late.” She said taking off around the corner. She couldn’t look at Raven without a wave of regret washing over her.  She sped up so she was going too fast for Raven to follow._

_“Dammit, Clarke.” Raven muttered with tears in her eyes. She didn’t understand why Clarke was acting the way she was._

**_Christmas_ **

_They were sitting in Bellamy’s living room. Octavia was wearing a pair of pajama pants that said “ho ho ho” all over them. Her t-shirt read “Dear Santa, I’ve been really naughty”. Raven was in a pair of green pajama pants and a red shirt with sleeves that went just past her elbows. While Bellamy was only wearing a pair of plaid pajama pants. The Christmas tree in the corner of the room looked about as sad as the one Charlie Brown had. All that mattered though was that they were together. Bell had spent the morning making cookies and other sugary treats. They had opened most of the presents earlier, but Clarke was supposed to come over so they could open the rest of them. Every time she was around became increasingly awkward. Before she would avoid eye contact with Raven, now she tried to avoid all interactions with the girl._

_“What time is Clarke supposed to be here?” Raven asked curiously._

_“She was supposed to be here half an hour ago.” Bellamy said eating another cookie._

_“Maybe she just hit traffic?” Octavia offered, sounding upset. She just wanted to have both of her best friends back together again. She knew deep down that Clarke probably wouldn’t show up though._

_“Yeah, maybe.” Raven said with a weak smile._

_Another hour went by before they gave up waiting for her. Octavia was playing with her hands, trying to keep herself busy._

_“I’m so sorry, Monkey.” Raven said placing her hand on the smaller girl’s shoulder._

_Octavia jerked away from her touch. “She said she’d be here.”_

_“Maybe I should leave? You could call her and tell her I went home. We all know she doesn’t want to see me.”_

_“That’s not true and you know it.” Octavia said defensively, though deep down she knew it was true._

_“Whatever you say, O.”_

_Clarke never showed up._

**_Graduation_ **

_They made it to the end of High School. Today was the first day of the rest of their lives. Octavia and Raven had gotten ready for graduation at Bellamy’s apartment. O was wearing a white sundress, and black combat boots. It suited her. While Raven had on a white button up shirt and a black pleated skirt._

_“You look like a school girl.” Octavia said with a laugh._

_“Eh, I was aiming for rocker chick.” Rae said with a grin._

_When they got to the school for graduation they were ushered into a hallway with the other graduates. Teachers and school officials were trying to get everyone into alphabetical order. They all knew what they were supposed to do, but their nerves were getting the best of them. A boy Raven barely knew from her Economics class walked by and bumped into her, nearly knocking her off balance._

_“Watch where you’re going Dick-face!” She shouted at him._

_“Shut up, cripple.” He growled back._

_“Wanna call me that to my face, Murphy? I’ll kick your ass right here.”_

_“Raven, come on, calm down.” Octavia said trying to pull her away from him. She had a tight grip on Raven’s arm, but the taller girl had no intentions of being led away._

_“Go along, listen to your girlfriend. She’s saving you from an ass kicking.” Murphy sneered._

_Raven yanked her arm away from Octavia and used the momentum to punch him in the face. She could feel his nose crunching under her fist. He staggered back, blood spilling down his face._

_“You crazy bitch!” He sputtered, moving toward her. Just before he could punch back, a group of boys got between them._

_“Murphy, walk it off.” Miller said barely loud enough to be heard._

_“That bitch hit me! She deserves to get her ass kicked.” He growled, glaring at Raven._

_“If you don’t take a walk, you’re going to end up banned from the ceremony. The teachers are just around the corner, on their way here now. Is that what you want?”_

_“Whatever.” Murphy said, finally walking away._

_Miller turned towards the girls. “What the fuck are you trying to do, Raven? If any of the teachers would have been around for that, you would have gotten kicked out on the day of Graduation. What the hell got in to you?”_

_“Just shut up, Miller.” Raven said walking away. She pushed passed a bunch of students and pushed the bathroom door open. It hit the wall with a bang loud enough to be a gun shot. She made it to one of the stalls before breaking down. She was so tired of being seen as nothing more than a cripple. She felt broken and useless. Logically she knew that she could do everything that she could before the accident. It was just a little more difficult now, but it was still possible. Nobody seemed to see any of that though, all they saw was her stupid brace. She looked down at the cursed object. “I hate you, you stupid piece of shit!”_

_She took it off and threw it, it hit the wall of the stall with a metal on metal **CRASH!**_

_“What the fuck was that?” Someone asked from the stall next to hers._

_“I’m sorry.” Raven said, picking up the brace and exiting the stall with a lot of difficulty. Her leg was useless without the brace. Clarke exited the other stall, and stopped dead in her tracks when she saw Raven. “Clarke!” Raven squeaked out in surprise._

_“Raven, I’m sorry, I have to get back to my spot.” Clarke said walking over to the sink and washing her hands, keeping her eyes down the entire time._

_“Clarke, please.” Raven practically begged her._

_“I’m sorry. I have to go.” With that she was walking out of the bathroom without drying her hands off._

_Raven felt like screaming. Clarke had been one of her best friends since 1 st grade. Clarke and Octavia were the girl’s whole world. She took a deep quivering breath, wiped the tears off of her face, and hastily put the brace back on. She was done. From now on she refused to care what anyone else thought of her. She refused to let herself hurt over things she couldn’t control. Today was the start of the rest of her life. It was a new beginning, and she was going to make the most of it._

**Present day**

            Clarke came into view with Octavia practically hanging off of her side. A dark haired woman was trailing behind them. She looked prim and proper, and completely out of place. Octavia and Clarke were both smiling like fools, that is, until Clarke spotted Raven.

            “Hello, Clarke.” Raven said coolly.

            “Raven, I, um, I didn’t know you were going to be here.” She said nervously. She looked as if she were ready to flee the scene.

            “Dinner at Bellamy’s on Friday night is tradition, Clarke. Of course I’m here, or did you forget just how important tradition is? I mean, it’s life or death remember?” The words were spat out as if they were poison.

            “Raven.” Octavia said with a warning tone to her voice.

            “What, O? I’m just reminding poor Clarke here how important tradition is to us. We’ve never changed tradition, to do so would be blasphemy.” Raven said dryly. She was angry. She was angry with the way Clarke had treated her after the accident. She was angry with how Clarke always looked anywhere but at her. She was angry that the other girl hadn’t even spoken to her for half of a year. Raven knew she was being a complete asshole to her, but the way she was acting wasn’t as severe as how Clarke had treated her. “For God’s sake, look at me!” Raven shouted at her, walking closer to where she was standing.

            “I think it’s time for us to go.” Lexa said grabbing Clarke’s hand.

            “Oh no you don’t.” Raven practically growled at her, moving her body between them and the hallway that led to the entry.

            “You can’t keep us here.” Lexa said angrily.

            “I’m not letting Clarke leave, not before she looks at me. Not before she talks to me like I’m a human fucking being!”

            At that Clarke’s gaze rose to meet her’s for the first since the accident. Raven could see the unshed tears in her eyes. “You think that I don’t think you’re a human being?”

            Raven laughed, with no trace of humor. “You haven’t treated me like one since the accident. For fuck’s sake Clarke, a drunk driver ran through a red light while it was pouring rain. That wasn’t your fucking fault. Yet you keep wallowing in your own sadness, throwing yourself a fucking pity party. You lost your dad that day, I lost the use of my leg below my knee. I built a brace for my injury, you need to suck it up and build one for yours.” Part of Raven wanted to hit something, probably Clarke. The other part of her wanted to cry. She was so livid because of the blonde. That didn’t change the fact that Clarke was also one of her best friends. All of that changed the day of the accident. She wanted things to go back to how they had been before the accident. She wanted her best friend back. Raven hated being treated like an annoying pest, or some dependent puppy. “Why can’t you just look at me, Clarke?”

            “I am looking at you.” Clarke said, her voice breaking. Guilt was crushing her the way an anvil crushed cartoon characters. Looking at Raven reminded her of the horrible day. Reminded her that her father was dead because of a stupid tradition that she didn’t want to wait a day for.

            “You’re only looking at me because I made you. You’ve avoided me for months. Before that you avoided eye contact. Things are different, I just want my best friend back. I want things to go back to normal, but I don’t even know what that is anymore.”

            “I’m the one who did this, Raven. If I would have listened to you, if we would have postponed getting ice cream for one day, like you asked…” She trailed off.

            “What’s done is done, Clarke. I know the accident was hard on you, because you were the driver, but Octavia and I made it out of that alive. You made it out of that car alive. I know you lost your dad. I know how hard that was for you, he was the only father figure I had in my life. I know how you feel, but you walked away from that accident physically unscathed. I didn’t. I’ve learned to live with it, and so should you. You can’t avoid me for the rest of your life. Think of Octavia, you’re avoiding her because of me. You’re not the only one who is hurting.” Raven’s voice was low, but Clarke could hear every word she said.

            “I didn’t realize how badly I was hurting you both.” Was the response. She was looking between Octavia and Raven.

            “Well, it’s been something we’re getting used to. It sucks though, we’ve done everything together since the first grade. You’re our family, Clarke.” Octavia said. She was standing with her arms wrapped around herself, almost like she was trying to keep herself together.

            “You two have been friends since the first day of preschool. I just figured, after the crash, you would rather go back to it just being the two of you.”

            “Well, you’re an idiot.” Raven said shaking her head at the ridiculous thought.

            “You’re both better off without me. I hurt you both.” Clarke had tears running down her cheeks.

            “You didn’t cause the accident. Can you please understand that?” Raven begged her.

            “We don’t blame you. We never have.” Octavia said walking over to Clarke and hugging her.

            “Well, not for the accident anyway.” Raven muttered under her breath.

            “Raven Lindsey Reyes!” Octavia snapped at the girl.

            “Just saying, I never blamed her for the accident. That was never her fault, but how she acted after the accident is on her. I meant what I said, I want you back in my life, and I know O, wants you back in hers, but we’re going to have to seriously talk. You’re going to have to learn how to actually look at me again too, that means you too Octavia.”

            “I do look at you, all the time…” Octavia trailed off.

            “Except whenever we talk about my leg, or the accident, or my nightmares. I know it’s a hard thing to talk about, but it’s not your fault either. I’m alive, I’m okay, sure I have a stupid brace that I would rather throw away half the time, but I’m okay. I need everyone to understand that. I can still do everything that I could before the accident, I just have to work a little harder to do it.”

            Bellamy walked around the kitchen counter. “I don’t mean to interrupt this heartfelt talk or anything, but dinner is ready.”

****


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, I promise the update after this will be posted a hell of a lot sooner than it took to post this. I've been going crazy at my great grandma's house with no wifi, one bar of reception on my phone, and 10 tv channels. To add onto that, I'm almost constantly busy with taking care of her. And I'm barely getting any sleep. But enough of all of that. Here's the update! Enjoy some heart break...

 

Dinner was Bellamy’s famous spaghetti and a freshly made salad. The spaghetti wasn’t the world’s best, but it was the only thing Bellamy could really make without catching the house on fire. It was almost impossible to screw up while making pasta. Though there was that one time Bell burned the water, completely ruined the pot. Octavia loved to give him shit for it, but tonight she was quiet.

            There was so much tension in the air everyone could sense it, except Bell. Bellamy was completely clueless. “So, how did the two of you meet?” He asked Clarke and Lexa with a smile on his face.

            “Oh, well, we have an art class together over at the college. I spaced out one day and ended up drawing her. She noticed, and we got coffee after class.” Clarke told him.

            “Actually, I got a tea, I’m not really a coffee drinker.” Lexa said waiving her hand dismissively. “And she forgot to mention she was drawing me naked.”

            Clarke’s face turned red. “I was going to add clothes…”

            “No you weren’t, and you know it.”

            “But I did a good job at guessing what you looked like naked, you have to admit that.”

            “You drew my breasts three times their actual size, Clarke.”

            “You were wearing a pushup bra! It was false advertising!”

            “Well, how was I supposed to know someone was going to be drawing me naked that day?” Lexa asked her exasperated.

            “Wow, that’s such an amazing story…” Raven said, barely hiding the sarcasm in her voice.

            “Well, it tops how we met, that’s for sure.” Clarke said rolling her eyes.

            “Do tell.” Lexa said looking interested.

            “Raven didn’t like school, she hid under a desk on the first day of first grade.”

            “I almost got away with hiding under that desk. If SOMEONE wouldn’t have given my location away.”

            “You were under MY desk! I was afraid of monsters, I thought you were a monster. How the hell was I supposed to know that it was a kid under my desk? I mean, who the hell hides under desks in the first grade?” Clarke asked, throwing her hands in the air.

            “I got sent to the principal’s office for that.”

            “And I got beat up on the playground. I think we’re even.”

            “Wait, you got beat up?” Lexa asked surprised.

            “Yeah, well, Octavia was a little rambunctious. She was mad that Raven was sent out of the classroom and that was all my fault.” Clarke explained.

            “Then how did you all end up friends?”

            “Our parents were all called in. Both Octavia and I had to apologize to Clarke. Clarke’s dad asked us if we wanted to go get ice cream. Clarke threw a tantrum, but we got ice cream anyway. By the end of the day we were best friends.” Raven explained.

            “I threw a tantrum because Octavia gave me a bloody nose, and you kept making the cut throat sign at me from across the principal’s office. You two were crazy.”

            “Wait, so Octavia gave Clarke a bloody nose for getting Raven kicked out of the class room?” Lexa asked, looking at each girl as she said their names. “You think how we met was more entertaining than that?”

            “Yeah, well, how we met involved you naked.” Clarke explained with a half-smile.

            “I wasn’t actually naked. It doesn’t count.”

            Their banter continued, but Raven had stopped paying attention. The little looks they kept giving each other were making her feel sick. Raven hated when people acted like that, the least they could do was wait until they were alone to be so _cute_ together. Her eyes fell on Octavia. She hadn’t made a sound the entire dinner, and currently had her head down, paying way too much attention to a carrot in her salad. Raven gently kicked her shin from across the table, but she refused to look up. She tried to get O’s attention again, this time with a small cough, but to no avail. Raven knew she was upset with what had happened earlier, but she had never ignored the girl like this before. Octavia was Raven’s monkey, she had been her monkey since they were 5 when she bumped her head while jumping off the bed.

            _“Jump higher!” Octavia giggled, grabbing Raven’s little hand and jumping higher on her bed._

_“This is so much fun! It’s just like a trampoline!” Raven shrieked, jumping as high as she could. “We’re just like those monkeys in that song Bellamy sings!”_

_“Two little monkeys jumping on the bed!” Octavia giggled._

_“One fell off, and bumped her head!” Raven continued jumping off the bed and onto the floor, fake falling and bumping her head with a laugh._

_“Mama called the doctor and the doctor said.” Octavia said jumping higher on the bed._

_“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED!” They both screamed in unison._

_Octavia jumped higher again, but her foot hit the edge of the bed, twisting and sending her flying. Her head hit the play table not far from her bed. The corner of the table came into contact with her temple._

_“Octavia!” Raven yelled running over to her. She didn’t answer her friend. Raven saw blood, and freaked out. “BELLAMY!”_

_The girl knelt down next to Octavia, cradling her head in her lap. “Monkey, please open your eyes. You weren’t supposed to really hit your head.” She cried._

            Raven shook her head to rid it of the memory. Someone had just asked something. “What?” She asked, looking around the table.

            “I asked if any of you were dating anyone.” Lexa said raising her eyebrow.

            “Nope, I’ve been single since high school.” Raven said with a shrug.

            “I’ve been talking to a boy named Atom.” Octavia said quietly.

            The world felt like it had disappeared from under Raven’s feet. Octavia hadn’t told her a thing about a boy. She normally told her everything. Raven’s heart broke a little, but she pushed her feelings for Octavia aside. Now wasn’t the time to get crazy jealous over some boy. Octavia and she weren’t dating, hell, chances were good that Octavia didn’t even like girls like that. They joked around sometimes, but neither of them had ever admitted to liking girls. Raven dropped hints all the time, but had never actually come out to anyone.

            “Well that’s news.” Bellamy said suddenly interested.

            “It only just got kinda serious today. He asked me out on a date.” Octavia said, cheeks turning pink. “He’s cute.”

            “I’ll have to meet him.” Bellamy said puffing his chest out a little.

            Raven shook her head a little. Nobody noticed. She decided then, that it was best for everyone if she just kept her mouth shut. Octavia never needed to know that she was madly in love with her. Maybe Raven had always known that keeping her mouth shut was the better option. If O knew, it would just ruin everything they had. Raven didn’t want to think about her life without Octavia. Losing Clarke earlier that year had been enough to break her heart, if she lost Octavia too… She couldn’t think about that.

            The rest of dinner went by in a buzz. Raven was too wrapped up in her own head to notice anyone else. She stopped paying attention to the conversations. When everyone started clearing their dishes, she got up and rinsed her’s off in the kitchen sink. When done she moved into the living room and sat down on the couch. Her heart and head hurt. Hell, everything hurt. She just wanted to go back to the dorm and crawl into bed. She wanted Octavia to talk to her about nothing, like she always did at night. She wanted O to absentmindedly run her fingers up and down Raven’s shins like she did when she was watching the History Channel. Raven wanted to forget that today had happened, she especially wanted to forget the look on her best friend’s face when she had called her out on not looking at her. Raven wanted to forget that she was talking to a boy. Wanted to forget everything but how she felt when she was with her. Things were changing now though, and that was the one thing the girl needed to forget. If she was going to keep her heart safe, if she was going to keep their friendship safe, she needed to forget about how Octavia made her feel inside.


	4. Chapter 4

The others came out of the kitchen and pulled Raven out of her thoughts.

            “Well, we should probably be getting back to campus.” Lexa said, wrapping her arm around Clarke’s waist.

            “Yeah, I have a huge project due next week.” Clarke said, agreeing with her.

            Octavia wrapped her arms around Clarke, giving her a bone crushing hug. “I’ve missed you. Please come over more often.”

            “I will, I promise.” Clarke kissed her temple.

            “It was nice meeting you, Lexa.” Raven said smiling carefully at her.

            “It was nice meeting all of you.” Lexa replied, nodding at each of them.

            Part of Raven wanted to hug Clarke goodbye, but she wasn’t sure if she was comfortable with that just yet. After everything Clarke had put her through, she wasn’t sure she was ready to let her back in. Instead she put my hands in her pockets, shrugged her shoulders a little, and nodded in Clarke’s direction. “It was really good seeing you again, Clarke. Please don’t be a stranger.” She paused and looked at Octavia. “I mean, think of the children…”

            “I am not a child!” Octavia said defensively.

            “Yeah you are.” Bellamy said bumping his shoulder against his sister’s.

            “Whatever…” She huffed, giving up the argument.

            Lexa and Clarke walked out the front door, and Bellamy turned towards the girls. “Well, that was an interesting evening. Lexa seems like a nice girl.”

            “Yeah, if you’re into the prim and proper type. She acted completely out of place.” Raven retorted.

            “Come on, it was her first time meeting us, and let’s face it, you’re a little hard to get along with. Especially when you attacked her girlfriend in the first five minutes of them being here.” Octavia said angrily.

            “I didn’t attack her! I merely stated how she had been treating me.”

            “You kind of attacked her, Rae…” Bellamy said, giving her a sympathetic look.

            “Whatever. I’m going back to the dorm.” Raven said grabbing her keys and shoes. She walked out the front door without putting her shoes on, too intent on getting the fuck out of the apartment. She couldn’t breathe. Octavia followed her out. Raven sped up to avoid her.

            “Wait…” Octavia called out, causing Raven to speed up a little more, going as fast as she could. Octavia was trying to pull her shoes onto her feet. “Raven! Wait up!” She called out again. Raven still didn’t slow down. Octavia chased after her friend, her shoes barely on her feet. “For cripes sake, Raven! Wait up! You’re going to hurt yourself if you don’t slow down!”

            “Fuck off, O. I’m not going to end up hurt. I’m not a child! I can take care of myself!”

            “I never said you couldn’t! Will you… Please… SLOW DOWN!” She begged, trying to catch her breath while trying to also catch up. Raven wasn’t that fast, but she had gained almost a block on Octavia while she had been struggling to pull her shoes on. She finally gave up and ran after her, only slowing down when she was at Raven’s side. There was an uneven part in the sidewalk, causing Raven to trip. She almost fell flat on her face, but Octavia caught her arm. “See, I told you!”

Raven’s anger blew up then. “Fuck you, Octavia. I don’t need someone telling me what I can and cannot do. I don’t need someone to tell me that I’m going to fail because I’m broken.”

            “I never said you were going to fail? I also never said you were broken… You’re just going too fast, your brace can’t keep up!”  
            “Like you know what this brace can and can’t do. You’re not the one stuck wearing it. You’re not the one who can’t walk without it. I’m fine. I don’t want you to help me, but that’s all you ever do. It’s like I’m an infant or something. Completely dependent on you. It drives me insane! I just want to be able to do things on my own! I want things to go back to normal, Octavia.”

            “Life is never going to be normal again, Raven. Don’t you see that? Things are different, they’ll always be different. I want to help you. Fuck, I saw you die that night. You stopped breathing, Raven. I don’t want to lose you. I do what I think is right, I just want things to be easier for you. Why do you hate help so much?”

            “Because I never needed help before! I was able to do whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted. I don’t want to depend on someone else for the rest of my life! Hell, stop trying to take over my life, and get your own life back!”

            “You know what Raven, fuck you. I’m going back to Bellamy’s.”

            “Whatever.” Raven growled. She kept walking, refusing to look back. She was so angry, all she could see was red. She turned a corner and kept walking, the bus stop was about a block away. Keeping her head down and minding her own business. That is, until someone ran into her. She stumbled backwards, but caught herself before she busted her ass on the concrete. “Watch where you’re going!” She mumbled, even though it had been her who hadn’t been watching where she had been going.

            “Give me all your money.” The stranger said, pointing a gun in her face. He had a ski mask on over his own.

            “Fuck.” Raven took a step back, trying to put some space between herself and the gun. “Whoa man, I don’t have any money.”

            “Doubtful, you’ve got to have something. Hand it over, now!”

            “I seriously don’t have any money! I’m a broke college student. Money doesn’t grow on trees man.” She had my hands up, she really didn’t want to get shot tonight.

            The man took the butt of the gun and slammed it into her face. She stumbled backwards and fell on her ass. He hit her again over the head with the gun. Raven’s vision blurred. “I swear I don’t have any money! I don’t have anything!”

            “Give me your phone then!” He said, pointing the gun in her face again.

            “It’s not on me!” She said suddenly realizing she had left her phone in the dorm room before ever leaving for Bellamy’s house.

            This answer seemed to upset the man even more. “What the fuck? What kind of person doesn’t have a phone on them?” He kicked her in the stomach, sending her flying backwards. Her head hit the sidewalk with a sickening crack. He kicked her once more, this time kicking the brace, before he took off running down the street.

            “Fuck.” Raven whispered. Everything was blurry. Her stomach lurched, threatening to empty its contents on the ground. She laid where she was until the world wasn’t spinning as fast. After several long minutes she finally attempted to get to her feet. The brace was fucked up. She had no feeling in her leg, so she didn’t know how much damage there was to it, but the brace had been kicked at the hinge, making it impossible to bend. “FUCK!”

            She looked up at the sky. “What the fuck was that for? Do you think this is funny? Did you wake up this morning and think to yourself, ‘boy I should really make Raven Reyes’ life a complete living hell today’?” She asked, trying to control her emotions. Her head started spinning again. She barely made it to the trash can 3 feet from her before emptying her stomach’s contents. She knew she needed to get to the hospital, but she was stubborn and didn’t want to go. All she wanted to do was go home and lay down in her own damn bed. So that’s what she was going to do. That was, if she could even make it back to her dorm room with the condition her brace was in.

            Just as she was planning on completely giving up, two people walked around the corner, headed towards her from the direction of the bus stop. She could only see their outlines. “Hey, we heard shouting, are you okay?” Clarke. That was Clarke’s voice. Raven was so relieved she thought she was going to pass out.         

            “Clarke!” Raven croaked out her name. “Help. Please?”

            Clarke and Lexa came running towards the girl. “What the hell happened? Ohmigod, Raven, your eye.”

            “Some guy, wanted my money. I don’t have money. Hell I don’t even have my phone. He had a gun pointed at me. He hit me with the butt of it. Kicked me in the stomach after I fell back. I hit my head on the concrete.”

            “Where is Octavia?” Clarke asked worried.

            “We got in a fight. She went back to Bellamy’s.”

            “I’ll go get her!” Lexa said, starting to run in the direction of Bellamy’s place.

            “Don’t!” Raven shouted after her. She stopped in her tracks.

            “Why not?”

            “Because, I don’t want to see her right now, okay? I just want to go back to my dorm. I can’t move my brace. My head is spinning, and I don’t need Octavia telling me she told me so again.”

            “Why would she do that?” Clarke asked curiously.

            “Because I need help, she knew I would. I don’t want help. But I need it. So, I’m going to swallow my pride and beg the two of you. Could you help me get back to my dorm?”

            “Sure, but first we’re going to my mother’s house.” Clarke said wrapping her arm around her friend’s waist. “She can look you over, because I doubt you’ll step foot in a hospital unless we sedate you.”

            “Good assumption.” Raven said, almost falling off balance.

            “Let’s go. You don’t look too hot.” Clarke said leading the way down the street.

            “Fuck you, I always look hot.” Raven said coughing.

            The bus arrived only moments after they got to the stop. They sat down near the doors. It took fifteen minutes before they got to the stop closest to Clarke’s old house. Walking down the street Raven could see the massive house. It looked exactly like how it always had. The flowerbeds out front were bare, but in immaculate condition, ready for spring to show up. There was an outside light on, like a homing beacon. The girls got to the front door and Clarke rang the bell. The last time Raven had been to this house was before the accident. She hadn’t seen Abby since Jake’s funeral. If her head wouldn’t have been spinning so badly, she might have wanted to flee the scene. As it was, she was too focused on not heaving her guts up again.


	5. Chapter 5

   

            “You could have been killed! Why weren’t you paying attention to your surroundings? I could have sworn we drilled that into each of you girl’s heads when you were growing up!” Abby was currently looking Raven over. Lexa, Clarke, and Raven were sitting at the island in the middle of the gigantic kitchen. Abby kept moving back and forth between her first aid kit and the girl. “You don’t know how lucky you are, Raven. Things could have gotten much worse. Lucky for you I’m pretty sure you only have a mild concussion. Let’s get your brace off, I need to see if there was any damage done to your leg.”

            “I can’t feel anything…” Rae said trailing off.  “Of course that means nothing.” She muttered barely loud enough to be heard, while trying to unhook her brace. There was a piece of metal on the hinge that had broken. She couldn’t get the brace off, which was weird, even with the hinge broken. She had taken it off too many times to even begin to count, but it was caught on something.

            Abby assisted her in getting it off. “Raven, it appears that a piece of metal is stuck in your leg. It doesn’t appear to be in a vital spot, so I’m just going to pull it out.”

            “Well, I can’t feel it, so go ahead.” Raven didn’t want to admit that she was scared, but she thought Abby figured it out. Clarke got up from her seat and moved so she was standing behind her friend, and started rubbing small circles into her back.

            Abby pulled the brace away from Raven’s leg, a piece as sharp as a dagger slid out of the side of her calf. Abby sighed and looked her over. “Raven, I need you to take your pants off. I have to clean the wound up.”

            “Mrs. Griffin, I’m flattered, but you’re not exactly my type…” Raven said with a small smile. Sarcasm and jokes were her way of coping with pain. “Plus, I’m saving myself for marriage.”

            “That’s a shame. Sex is amazing.” Clarke said with a laugh.

            “I don’t want to hear about my daughter’s sex life. Can we change this subject? Raven, I really need to take a look at the wound. Please stop joking around and take your pants off.”

            Raven was afraid to see just how bad it was. Not being able to feel anything below the knee really sucked. She sighed, gathered her courage, and stood up. She had to hold onto the counter to catch her balance for a second. Clarke moved a little so she could take hold of Raven’s elbow. The world always seemed to spin whenever she did something a little too quickly. Once everything was okay again, she undid her pants and started pushing them off. When they were at her knees she sat back down. “Making your partner take their own clothes off is a little boring. Mind spicing things up and helping me?” Raven said looking at Abby with a sly smile.

            “While I’ll admit you’ve got beautiful long legs, you’re a little too young for me, Raven.” Abby said shaking her head and pulling the pants off the rest of the way. “What happened to your shoes?”

            “What do you mean?” Raven asked confused.

            “I mean, you’re not wearing any.” She indicated to sock covered feet.

            Raven shook her head, trying to get rid of the fog so she could remember. “I stormed out of Bell’s apartment, I had my shoes in my hand. I didn’t put them on. Then I got into an argument with O. I must have dropped my shoes when the creep had a gun in my face.”

            “There weren’t any shoes around when we got to you.” Clarke said.

            “Maybe he took them? Jokes on him, they were five dollar shoes…”

            Raven was trying her hardest to ignore her leg. Abby was cleaning it up, and muttering about stitches. All the girl wanted to do was go back to her dorm and sleep. She didn’t want to deal with any of this. Her head hurt, her heart hurt, all she wanted was to cry into Octavia’s shoulder. She took a shuttering breath and shook her head to clear it again.

            Clarke moved to Raven’s back again, slowly rubbing circles to try and calm her friend down. “Hey, remember the first time you and Octavia stayed the night at my house?”

            “How could I forget? Your dad almost caught the house on fire. I thought Abby was going to have a heart attack when she came home to three kids on the front lawn with three fire trucks and an ambulance.”

            “I think I almost did have one. I couldn’t see Jake, and you girls were covered in what I thought was soot. Turns out you three had just been rolling around in the dirt. I thought the house was ruined, but Jake just forgot about the pizza. It took ages to get the smell of smoke out of this house.” She sighed, working on stitching up Raven’s calf. “I was exhausted from work, and then I had to give you three a bath. Luckily you were all only six and were small enough to fit in the tub at the same time. I swear, by the time I got you all out the water was almost black.”

            “Why were you guys so filthy?” Lexa asked curiously.

            “Because **_someone_** , convinced us to play in a patch of dirt. But that wasn’t dirty enough for her, so we took a few buckets of water to the dirt and turned it into mud.”

            “What? Mud pies were always the best! Plus I liked the feeling of mud being squished between my fingers. It was soothing.”

            “Octavia and I were building a mud castle, or at least we were trying to. Raven was just making hand prints in the mud, forcing mud between her fingers and wiggling them around. Octavia asked her to help us make the castle, but Rae didn’t want to have any part of that. Octavia called her lazy, so Raven picked up a handful of mud and threw it at her.”

            “That started a war, Octavia was a little ball of fury back then. She tackled me into the mud. We ended up rolling around trying to get the upper hand. Clarke got caught in the middle of it. By the time the fire trucks showed up we were all covered in mud. The firemen corralled us so we were out of the way. By the time Abby showed up the mud had dried.” Raven said with a smile.

            “Would have been a nice little spa treatment if you hadn’t already had perfect skin.”  Abby said, patting Raven’s knee. “I’m done fixing you up. Do you have an extra brace at your dorm?”

            “Yeah, it’s a really crappy one, but it’ll have to do until I can get a new one.”

            “I’ll drive the three of you back to campus then.” She said, gathering up her supplies to put them away.

            Lexa and Clarke helped Raven back to her room once they got to campus. It took ages to get up the stairs to her room. Raven unlocked her door and hugged Clarke. “Thanks for everything. I think I’ve got it from here.”

            “If you need anything just call or text me. Don’t try to overdo anything okay?”

            “I’ll be fine. Thank you, both of you, for everything tonight. I’m sorry I’m such a pain in the ass.”

            “Well, to be completely honest with you Rae, you’ve been a pain in the ass from the first day I met you. I wouldn’t have you any other way though.”

            “Thanks, jerk.” Raven said with a playful smile. “Be safe getting home. Goodnight guys.”

            Raven closed the door behind her, but she didn’t move away from it. She no longer needed to be strong. She didn’t need to pretend everything was okay. She wanted her best friend. A choked sob escaped her. She leaned her back against the door, and slid down to the floor. Raven stayed like that for a while, allowing the tears to fall silently. She hadn’t turned any of the lights on, so she was sitting in complete darkness. After what felt like ages she moved across the room, with a lot of difficulty. She found her phone on her bed and picked it up. She dialed Octavia’s number.

            After four rings, the phone went to voicemail. Raven sighed. “Thanks for not picking up.” She muttered to herself. She waited until the beep sounded so she could leave a message. “I’m sorry, about everything, O.” Then she hung up and threw the phone back onto the bed. “I need you, Octavia.”

 

            _“What the hell happened to your face?!” Octavia asked running over to Raven and taking her friend’s face in her hands._

_“It’s nothing Octavia.” Raven said taking Octavia’s wrists in her hands and removing her friend’s hands from her face. “Please just leave me alone for a little while.”_

_“Oh hell no, not until you tell me what happened, Raven.”_

_“Johnny likes me…” Raven said looking down at the ground._

_“What does that have to do with the price of tea in China?” She asked, hands on her hips._

_“You really need to stop using terms you hear from Bellamy. What does that one even mean?” Raven asked furrowing her brow in confusion._

_“It means, what does that have to do with what happened to your face.” She clarified._

_“He hit me and ran away. He said he was nervous. He wants me to be his girlfriend.” Raven said looking down at her feet again._

_“If a boy hits you, that doesn’t mean he likes you! Don’t take that from boys! If anyone hits you, ever, you need to get the hell away from them. Don’t let them tell you it’s because they like you that they hit you. Don’t ever let them tell you that it’s your fault that they hit you, either. You’re strong, Raven. You’re strong, smart, beautiful, talented, and so many other things. If you think I’m going to allow you to date a boy who hits you to show you he likes you, you better think again.”_

_“What if I like Johnny?” Raven asked looking her in the eye._

_“Then you better get over liking him, because I’m not going to let you date him. We’re 10, we don’t need to be dating anyone anyway.” She said matter-of-factly._

_“But everyone dates at 10! We’re double digits now! That means we’re grown up!” Raven said stomping her foot._

_“Bellamy said that’s a lie. We’re still kids, we don’t have to date anyone just because we’re double digits. I’d rather play softball than have a boyfriend.” Octavia said crossing her arms. “Softball is fun, boys are gross.”_

_“So, what do I tell Johnny? I told him I’d be his girlfriend.”_

_“I’ll take care of it. Don’t worry about it.” She said, patting her friend’s shoulder reassuringly._

_The next day at recess, Raven saw Johnny across the playground with a black eye worse than her own. He caught her eye, and looked away quickly. Johnny didn’t talk to her again after that._

Raven woke up sometime in the middle of the day. She was disoriented, and couldn’t remember anything. Her head hurt bad enough that she was dizzy. She sat up and cringed when as she sat forward. Raven lifted her shirt and gasped at the black and purple bruises across her ribs. She looked down at her legs, bare from the knee down.

            “Shit.” Raven said as the memories of the night before came flooding back. She looked around. She had forgotten that she had fallen asleep in Octavia’s bed. Raven picked up her phone and dialed Octavia’s number again. After two rings it went to voicemail.

            “Look, I know you’re ignoring my phone calls O. Please call me back. I’m sorry about last night. Please stop ignoring me.” She sighed before hanging up the phone. Their arguments had never lasted this long. One of them would always cave in after an hour of being mad at the other person. Raven needed her best friend back. She had been an idiot for thinking that she didn’t need her help.

            Raven stood up, almost forgetting that she didn’t have a brace on. She lost balance and landed on the cold floor. Her head felt weird, and her vision was swimming. She tried to focus, but she was failing miserably. She sat up again, trying to ready herself to stand. Her entire body became hot. A cold sweat broke out everywhere. That’s when the ringing in her ear started. Her vision went blurry, then everything went black.

            Raven awoke to the sounds of keys jingling outside the dorm room. She blinked her eyes a few times, and attempted to sit up. The door swung open with Octavia standing in the doorway.

            “What the fuck?” The words were out of her mouth before she had time to stop them. “Raven, why are you on the floor?” She moved closer. “Oh my God, Raven, what happened to your face?”

            Raven gave up trying to push herself into the sitting position, she was too weak. With a groan her body collapsed again. Octavia crossed the room in no time. She knelt down next to her friend, pulling her up so I was sitting up.  Raven was too dizzy to focus on anything other than keeping her stomach from emptying anything it might have in it.

            “Raven, talk to me please. Are you hung over? What happened to your eye?” She moved Raven’s legs so they were in front of her. “Oh god, what happened to your leg? Raven?”

            “Please, stop talking. I can’t focus, my head is pounding.”

            “Fine, okay, but let me move you into bed okay? The ground is freezing.” She helped Raven stand up, taking most of her weight, and moved her back against Octavia’s bed. Once Raven was sitting on her bed, Octavia moved her legs so they were also on it. Raven fell asleep with Octavia at her feet.


	6. Chapter 6

    

            Raven grew up living next door to the Blake’s. Their mother was always working, while Raven’s mother was always drunk or AWOL. When she was three, she started going to their house more and more often. During the summer, Bell would take care of the girls. During the school year he’d pick them up from daycare. Raven probably wouldn’t have survived young childhood if it weren’t for them. They were the only family she really had. She would take a bullet for them. Having those feelings for Octavia from a young age probably explained why she hadn’t truly realized that she was in love with her until O had her first boyfriend. They were only fourteen at the time, and Raven didn’t know the difference between loving someone and being in love with someone. She learned the difference pretty quickly, when Octavia came home from school talking about her new boyfriend.

            Her heart had felt as if it had been ripped out of her body and shattered on the ground. Octavia was her’s. She was her monkey. Raven didn’t want to share her with some boy. Boys were gross anyway. They smelled bad, looked weird, and acted like idiots.  

            The older they got the harder she tried to push the feelings away. She didn’t want to lose Octavia, and she knew that if she were to tell her how she felt, O would run away and never look back. The jealousy Raven felt whenever Octavia started dating a new guy never went away though. Raven could tell herself that Octavia wasn’t really her’s, but her heart didn’t want to listen.

            When Raven woke up, it was almost evening. The sun was low in the sky, and their room was getting darker by the minute. Octavia was sitting at the head of her bed, her back against the wall, and her feet hanging off the edge of the bed. Raven’s head was in her lap, facing the bedroom. O had taken the time to cover Rae up with a blanket so she wouldn’t get cold. Raven could hear her talking to someone, but she refused to actually open her eyes.

            “…He’s just so sweet. We walked around the park earlier this afternoon. He held my hand, bought me an ice cream. He’s a really sweet guy.” Octavia was explaining.

            “Chocolate ice cream?” Clarke’s voice asked.

            “Is there really any other kind?” Octavia asked with a laugh.

            “Well, I mean, most people would say yes. But I’m not most people… Tell me more about this boy. What’s his name again?”

            “Atom. Spelled like the atoms that make up everything. He’s tall, dark, and handsome. His hair is a little long, not shaggy, but a few more inches and it could be. His eyes are the best color, kind of greyish blue. Like I said, we walked around the park, and he bought me an ice cream cone. We also went by the pond and fed the ducks. He holds doors open, not just for me, but for complete strangers. He took me to a nice place for lunch. That little Italian place downtown. He pulled my chair out for me. He was so sweet to the waitress, even though she accidentally spilled my water all over him. He even tipped her extra. I think I could fall in love with this boy.” She said with a sigh.

            Raven’s jealousy was raging. Like a little green monster inside of her. What did this boy have that she didn’t? Why couldn’t O talk about her like that?

            “He sounds dreamy.” Lexa said, a little too dramatically. Raven was really starting to like that girl. She could see how they had a lot in common, plus, she couldn’t exactly make those witty comments herself right now.

            “He really is…” Octavia sighed again.

            “Oh god, please keep it in your pants.” Clarke said, Raven could practically hear her roll her eyes.

            “I’m lucky enough to not have to suffer from having the male appendage. I don’t know what I’d do if everyone could see whenever I was turned on by something.”

            “Yeah, well, I’m pretty sure that there’s a puddle where you’re sitting. I mean, if those sighs you’re making are any indication.” Clarke said with a laugh.

            “Shut up, miss perfect!” Octavia snapped.

            “I NEVER claimed to be perfect. That’s always Raven’s job.” Clarke replied.

            “Speaking of. What the hell happened to her?” Octavia asked, suddenly serious.

            “She was mugged. She didn’t have money, or even her phone. The guy had a gun to her, he pistol whipped her, that’s how she got the shiner. She fell backwards when he hit her with his gun, and when she was on the ground he kicked her in the stomach a few times. Used a strategically placed kick on her brace, breaking the hinge and shoving a piece of metal into her leg. We took her to my mom’s house. She’s got a concussion, bruised ribs, and the nasty cut on her leg. The man stole her shoes.” Clarke explained.

            “Her shoes? Really? Those old things were cheap when she bought them. Now people would probably pay money to get them away from them. I mean, have you smelled her feet? It’s awful!” Despite the jokes she was cracking, it was clear Octavia was upset. Her fingers had started to comb through Raven’s hair ever so gently. Keeping her hands busy was one of her tells, whenever she was lying, upset, or worried about something. “Did you guys help her get back here?”

            “Yeah, mom gave us a ride. We walked her up here. I think she was exhausted by that point. She was really quite the whole ride back.” Clarke was moving around the room now. “Which closet is hers?”

            “The one closest to the door, why?”

            “Well, knowing Raven, she didn’t dig her old brace out. I’ve got a feeling she’s going to need it.” Clarke was riffling through the closet now.

            “Could you be any louder? You’re going to wake her up.” Octavia said with a small growl. Her fingers still moving idly in Raven’s hair. They were soft and sure. Moving rhythmically on her scalp.

            “She’s been awake for the last five minutes.” Clarke said with a shake of her head.   

            “What? How do you know that?” Octavia asked, fingers stilling.

            “I got good at noticing when someone is fake sleeping. Lexa does it all the time so I’ll scratch her back.”

            “Is that a euphemism?” Octavia asked, feigning disgust, fingers moving again.

            “Ew, no. Why would I use that as a euphemism for anything? I mean, I’d straight up tell you if it meant that I had my hands down her pants. My fingers are magic…” Clarke proudly stated.

            “Your mouth is better…” Lexa said matter-of-factly.

            “Well, I guess I just learned way more than I ever wanted to know.” Octavia said with a groan. “What about you, Raven?”

            “I’ve seen how Clarke eats ice cream, I could’ve told you she was good with her mouth.” Raven said with a laugh.

            “Ewwwwwww. I don’t know what’s worse, them talking about it, or the fact that you pay attention to how people eat ice cream.”    

            “Well, I mean, you’d probably be good with your mouth too.” Raven said, groaning as she sat up. “What time is it?”

            “About seven in the evening.” Lexa told her. “You pay attention to how people eat their ice cream too?”

            “Favorite pastime, you learn a lot about someone that way. “ Raven said focusing on her. “Is that a box of pizza?”

            “Yeah, we figured you would be hungry.” Clarke said, emerging from the closet, brace in hand.

            “Look who finally decided to come out of that damn closet.” Raven said looking at Clarke.

            “I’ve been out for ages.” She responded, giving the girl a look that said she knew her friend was still in it. “Here’s your brace. I’ll warm you up some pizza. I know you hate it when it’s cold. Have you had anything to drink today?”

            “Alcoholic?”

            “Anything, preferably nonalcoholic though.”

            “No, I haven’t had anything at all to drink. My head would appreciate an alcoholic beverage though.” Raven said slyly.

            “Your concussion would beg to differ. I’ll grab you a Gatorade while I’m at it.” She said as she started moving around the room to get everything for the girl.

            Raven started putting her old brace on her leg, grumbling quietly to herself. She hated this fucking brace. It was almost useless compared to the other one. It chaffed, it squeaked when she moved. It did its job, but it sucked at it. As soon as it was on, she stood up from the bed. “I’ll be right back.” She said heading across the room.

            “Raven, where are you going?” A concerned Octavia asked.      

            “I haven’t peed since last night. I’m going to explode. Do you need to follow me like a puppy?” Raven snipped at her.

            “No…”

            “Good. I’ll be right back.” She said, exiting the room and walking across the hall. She went into an empty stall and sighed. She shouldn’t have been so hard on Octavia. When she exited the stall, she almost ran into Lexa. “Do you make it a habit to stand right outside occupied bathroom stalls when there are ten empty ones?”

            “Only when there’s someone I want to talk to in the occupied one.” She looked at Raven concerned. “You’re gay.” It wasn’t a question.

            “Are you going to let me past? I’d like to wash my hands, please.”

            “You’re gay, and you’re in love with your best friend. A friend who likes boys…” She stated.

            “It’s not like I’m thinking about jumping her or something. I’ve known her my entire life.”

            “You’re still in the closet. Is that with everyone?”

            “It’s not anyone’s business if I’m straight or gay.” Raven said angrily.

            “No, it’s not, you’re right. But I want to know if you’ve even come to terms with it yourself?”            

            “What do you mean?” Raven asked haughtily.

            “I mean, obviously you know you like girls. But have you come to terms with it? Most people who are still hiding in the closet, when they don’t have to worry about what others will think of them, are hiding from themselves. It’s not true for everyone, don’t get me wrong, I just… Raven, why are you hiding?”

            “It’s not anyone’s business.” She said turning the water off, walking toward the paper towels. “Can we stop talking about this?” It was striking a nerve with her. She didn’t feel like talking anymore. They walked back across the hall and into the room. Clarke had set the plate with pizza on Octavia’s bed. Raven sat down and started eating the food like someone who had been starved for days would. In a matter of minutes she had demolished the two slices of pizza and all of the Gatorade. She stretched like a cat and made a content sound.

            “We should probably go. I’m glad you’re feeling better, Raven.” Clarke said standing.

            “Thanks for coming over. It means a lot.” Octavia said standing up, moving to hug Clarke and Lexa.

            “Any time.” Lexa said, as they headed towards the door. “Same goes to you Raven. If you ever need to talk, we’re a call away.”

            “Yeah, yeah.” Raven snorted.

            They left the room and Octavia turned on Rae. “Why are you being so rude to Lexa?”

            “It’s none of your business, O.” Raven said standing up.

            “It is my business. You’re my business. She’s a sweet girl.” She said, defending her.

            “Why do you always do that?” Raven growled.    

            “Do what?”

            “Defend everyone but me!” She yelled, voice breaking.

            Silence.

            Silence so loud it was almost deafening. Raven could feel the tears threatening to spill. Her throat was on fire. There was a lump larger than a golf ball, making it impossible to swallow. She was staring at Octavia, her eyes drilling holes in O. Logic told her she was wrong. Octavia defended her friend whenever she needed to. She hadn’t attacked Rae when she was being rude to Lexa, only asked a simple question. That’s the thing about Raven’s brain. It didn’t care about logic. At the moment she was hurt, she was worried, and she was afraid of what Lexa had brought up. Raven was afraid of losing Octavia. But she was pushing her away by being a dick to her.

            “Raven, I-“ She started.

            “Don’t.” Was all that she got out. The word was broken.

            “Talk to me. Please. I’m so tired of fighting with you.” She begged.       

            “Maybe it’s for the best.” Raven whispered, barely audible.

            “How could that be for the best?”

            “Because… Because…. Maybe it’ll hurt less.” She choked.

            “Hurt less than what?” Octavia sounded desperate now.

            “I love you, Octavia.” The words were out of her mouth before she could stop them.           

            “I know, Raven, you’re like my sister.”

            “No… Not like that. I’m in love with you, Octavia. I love the way you look in the morning, before you’ve showered and brushed your hair. I love how sleepy and warm you are before you’ve had your morning coffee. I love the way you whine when you’re cold and you want to cuddle and watch a movie. I love how grumpy you get when you’re hungry. I love the way you shake your butt when you’re up to bat during softball season. I love how you have to cover your eyes when people in the television do something embarrassing and you feel bad for them. I love how you get so protective of everyone. I love how you’re always there, helping me even though I don’t want to admit that I need you. I love you.” Raven said, tears falling down her cheeks. She bit her lip, shaking her head.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've literally been writing this all day. I've got two jobs now, one at a daycare and one at a preschool. I started this when the preschoolers were at nap. Once the words started flowing this evening, I couldn't really stop it. I'm beyond tired or else I'd write more. But, I think you can all handle this cliff- hanger.


	7. Chapter 7

Raven had thought the silence before had been deafening. This time it was worse. Octavia was looking at her with a hurt expression. “Please pretend I didn’t say anything. It’s the concussion talking.” Raven said, her heart breaking. “Octavia…”

            “I have to go.” Octavia said, pushing past the other girl, and toward the door.

            “Octavia, please don’t leave me.” Raven begged, tears streaming down her face.

            Octavia’s hand stilled on the handle. After a second of hesitation, she opened the door and walked away.

            The voice in Octavia’s head was screaming at her. She didn’t know how to handle this information. Raven was a constant in her life. She had always been her rock. Whenever she needed something, Raven was there. Right now she wished she could run to her and tell her what was going on in her head, but for the first time in her life she was running away from the only person she ever needed.

            ***********************************************************************

            Back in the room, Raven had collapsed on the floor for the second time in 24 hours. The most important person in her life had just walked out the door after she professed her love. That definitely could have gone better.

            “You knew you shouldn’t have done that. You’re an idiot Reyes! You had something good. You were best friends with the best thing that ever happened to you, and you just blew it all. Why the fuck couldn’t you have just kept your mouth shut!” She was arguing with herself. Something that was a sure fire sign of insanity, but she didn’t care. Her head hurt, her heart hurt, and her fucking leg hurt. All she wanted was for Octavia to walk back into the room and tell her that everything was going to be okay. She’d settle for being just friends with her, just as long as she didn’t lose her.

            “Get off your ass and go find her, you idiot!” She scolded herself, getting to her feet with some difficulty. She rummaged around in her closet to find a pair of shoes and a jacket, once she had them on she grabbed her phone and keys and walked out of the dorm room. The only thing that was important right now was finding Octavia. Knowing O, she’d go straight to Bellamy, so that was the first place she’d check.

            The bus ride across town was the longest thing in the world. Raven had only been a few minutes behind Octavia when she took off, but O wasn’t on the bus with her. When she got to Bellamy’s apartment she was shocked to find her friend wasn’t there. Instead she found Bellamy, an irritated girl, and a candle lit apartment.

            “Oh shit, sorry, I didn’t mean to interrupt. Have you seen your sister?”

            A worried look crossed Bellamy’s face. “Is she missing? When was the last time you saw her? Should I call the police?”

            “Woah, calm down, we just got into a little argument I think. She left the dorm room, I figured she would come here…”

            “She didn’t come here, Raven. If she does show up, I’ll let you know. But if you don’t mind…” He said raising an eyebrow and indicating to the girl behind him.

            “Right, got it, I’m leaving now.” Raven said, turning around to leave the apartment building. She didn’t know where else to go, so she went back to campus. Her leg was killing her, but she decided to walk around places on campus that Octavia might have gone to. After two hours of looking, Raven went back to the dorm room, deflated.

            When she rounded the corner that lead to her room she stopped dead in her tracks. There on the floor right outside their bedroom door was Octavia. Her knees were pulled to her chest and her head was resting on the tops of them.  Raven’s heart skipped a beat in her chest. She cleared her throat not wanting to startle the girl.

            “Monkey?” It was no more than a whisper.

            The younger girl looked up, dried tears streaking down her cheeks. Raven’s heart dropped to her toes.

            “Monkey, I never meant to hurt you…”

            Octavia got to her feet, her eyes locked with Raven’s.

            “Why? Why wouldn’t you tell me sooner? Why would you wait until I was happy with Atom?”

            “I was afraid. I know it doesn’t excuse anything, but I didn’t want to lose you.”

            “Instead you waited. You waited for me to give up on you. Waited until I was finally okay with not being with you. You waited until I was happy with a boy who was sweet and who didn’t hide his feelings from me!” She was yelling at Raven at this point. Walking closer to her friend.

            Raven’s stomach did a flip. “Octavia…”

            “Don’t ‘Octavia’ me! Do you know what kind of hell I put myself through? Convincing myself that you didn’t actually like me? That you were just a flirt? That no matter how badly I wanted you, I’d never get you? Do you know how badly that hurt?” She had Raven backed up against the wall now. “Do you?”

            Raven pulled in a shaky breath. “More than you know.” It came out little more than a whisper.

            “You should have told me. Instead you waited until I was happy with a boy. You waited until I was okay with not being with you. But the second you spill your heart out to me I go and wreck every good thing I had with Atom.”

            Raven didn’t wait for Octavia to say another word, instead she grabbed the younger girl by the waist and pulled her into her.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For any of you wanting to murder me for taking so long to update. I hope this peace offering helps. I haven't had motivation after work. I work 9 hour days with 8 two year olds. My brain is usually mush by the end of the day, and weekends are spent catching up on sleep and trying to feel human again. Anyway, enjoy...

            Raven’s lips stilled a breath’s width away from Octavia’s, she didn’t want to force anything onto the other girl. If they were going to kiss, it would be Octavia’s choice. Her heart stopped when Octavia closed the small gap between their lips. A small sound of want escaped Raven, causing Octavia to wrap her arms around Raven’s neck. The kiss was tender, soft, barely there. Raven was too afraid to over step any boundaries. One of her hands was firmly on Octavia’s waist, the other twisted itself in her hair, pulling the girl closer. Raven’s heart was beating so fast, it was almost like a humming bird’s wings. She pulled herself away from the kiss and looked Octavia in the eye. “Was that okay? I shouldn’t have done that? Are you okay? Shit… I…” Before she could get anything else out Octavia kissed her again. This kiss was different from the first. This kiss was desperate. It dripped with need, want, and something more.

 Octavia placed a hand on the wall to steady them both.  She deepened the kiss and pulled Raven’ lip into her own mouth, gently biting down on it. Raven’s hips jerked forward looking for the friction she desperately needed. A gasp escaped Octavia at the motion, causing her to take a small step backwards, ending the kiss.

 Raven took a shaky breath to steady herself and get her bearings. “Alright, so that happened. Twice. ”

            Octavia laughed a little. “If I had known you were that good of a kisser, I would have told you how I felt ages ago. I was just so afraid of losing you…”

Raven knew the feeling, it was always at the back of her mind. The tables seemed to be turning now, but she didn’t seem to mind it at all. “Let’s go inside the room. I have a feeling we have a lot to talk about.”

Octavia stepped aside with a small laugh. She looked at the ground to avoid looking Raven in the eyes.  “I, uh, left my keys in the room. I left in such a hurry I didn’t think to grab them off the table. I’ve been out here waiting for you to get back.”

Raven looked at her. “Well, would now be a bad time to tell you I forgot my keys?”

Octavia’s eyes widened. “You didn’t. Please tell me you didn’t actually forget your keys.

Raven smiled devilishly at the other girl. “I’m pulling your leg, I made sure to grab mine before running out after you. Normally I’m the irresponsible one. How does it feel to be in my shoes?”

Octavia looked at her best friend. “No one should be in your shoes, Raven. I guess that’s the one good thing to come out of this mess. I hope the guy who mugged you had the sense to throw those things in the garbage. She stepped away from the door so Rae could unlock it. “I guess now is the time to start talking about everything?”

            They stepped into the dark room, turning the light on as they did. Raven wasn’t sure where she should start. So much had happened since dinner the night before. She opted for the first thing that came to mind. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, Octavia. I don’t know what else to say. I was a dick last night at dinner, and then with everything else that happened after… I never should have yelled at you, for anything. You were being honest, and I really was horrible to Clarke and Lexa throughout dinner. I was hurt, and I don’t think clearly when I’m hurt. And then you dropped that Atom bomb on me, and I just… I was jealous, and broken, and I don’t know why I acted the way I did. It’s not like it’s even my business who you date, it’s your life, and I was too chicken to even tell you how I really felt about you. I was afraid of what you’d say. I was afraid you would hate me. That you wouldn’t want to even be friends with me if you found out. You’ve always had boyfriends, ever since we were kids. I didn’t know you liked girls…” Raven was rambling. She was aware of it, but she couldn’t stop herself. Lucky for her, Octavia hated it when she rambled on about things. The younger girl put her hands up to stop Raven before she could continue.

            “To be honest, I’m not sure I like girls. Plural… I like a girl. I like you, and I have liked you for as long as I can remember. I just convinced myself that you didn’t like me that way. You’re such a flirt, Raven. You flirt with everyone without even trying. I’m not blaming you for not telling me, it takes two to tango. I could have told you at any point in time, but I guess we both thought that the other person would hate them if we spoke up? I didn’t want to lose you.” Octavia took a deep breath, “I went past Atom’s apartment, and he wasn’t there. I also tried texting and calling him, but he hasn’t responded yet. I need to break up with him before anything else happens between us.”

            “That’s fair enough. I don’t want to kiss someone who is in a relationship…”

            “I’m not sure if we’re actually a thing yet? I mean we went on one date, but we haven’t made it official just yet. Still, I understand, I don’t want to be kissing someone else when there’s a person I’m sort of involved with.”

            Raven moved across the room and sat on her bed. It was just past 9:30 at night, and even though she had slept most of the day she was exhausted. This level of tired was completely different than anything she had ever felt before. It was like she could feel it in her bones. Despite the exhaustion, what she wanted more than anything was to talk to Octavia about what was going on. She needed to tell her how she felt, needed to tell her what was going on in her head, but everything was just so jumbled. She wasn’t sure she could make sense of it herself.

            “The night of the accident. I always told you I had no memory of what happened after the impact. That I had no memory of not breathing, but that’s a lie. I remember a light, it wasn’t just the kind of light the sun emits. It was a feeling of lightness as well, everything was just **_LIGHT_**. I was ready to walk into it, but something stopped me, this feeling of something important. Too important to leave behind. It took what felt like ages to realize that important thing was you. Before I even remembered my own name I remembered you. I heard the fear in your voice and I knew I couldn’t leave you. You’re the only reason I didn’t die that night.”

            “Why didn’t you ever tell me?”

            “Because you worry about things. You were more of a mess than I was after the accident. You didn’t even let me sleep alone for the first three months.”

            “That’s because I was afraid you were going to decide to die on me. I remember the accident, I remember you not breathing. I thought I lost you, but then you came back. I knew I couldn’t lose you, so I had to make sure you kept breathing. I’m sorry you felt like I was controlling your life. I know you felt like I was hovering, but I needed to help you. I needed to make sure you were going to be okay. Even now, after all of this time, I need to remind myself that you’re still here. I just so happen to remind myself by being overbearing. I don’t mean to, I just don’t know how else to do it?”


End file.
